Loss, Resignation and Surrender

I heard Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe you Should Talk to Someone, say, “There is no hierarchy of loss.” Every loss no matter how big or small brings grief. We have all had a collective loss of freedom these last months, freedom to move about without even a thought, other than getting to our intended destination; freedom to see, touch or hug the people we love; freedom to see a smile on another human being’s face. For some, the loss is much larger, loss of health, and ultimately loss of one’s life or that of a loved one. From the Covid-19 virus or one of the many other ways, people lose their life.  
A friend told me she is crying more than ever before, and I have too.
I had a recent loss of an expectation that I was to board an airplane on Memorial Day to see my two young grandsons, for the first time in 3 months. I hadn’t gone more than 30 days seeing my son and his family before and this was my greatest loss during shelter-in-place.  
My husband, out of curiosity, decided to get the test for the virus. Surprisingly he ended up positive. He is asymptomatic and showed no signs of being ill at all. I knew in that moment of him telling me, my expectation had changed drastically. I wasn’t nice to him and let him know how irate I was and blamed him for this turn of events.  
I rushed to my doctor the next day to get the test.
I was desperate to get to those grandbabies. I started to strategize how I could still see them. First, I put my stubborn foot down and said, “I’m still flying,” then my integrity got in the way, darn integrity. Next strategy, I’ll rent a car, oh no integrity again. “I know, we can drive our car, and both go.” I went to bed thinking about the provisions we would need for our road trip and happily thinking my goal to reach my grandsons was within reach.
I woke the following morning resigned to the fact I wouldn’t go, it felt irresponsible. I wouldn’t even have my results back in time.
Resignation isn’t a good space to be in. It comes from our Human Normal side, where expectations also reside. As one man I recently interviewed said, “Resignation indicates exhaustion, certain feebleness required, cause you struggled too long and resigned yourself to it not being worthwhile.” I knew I didn’t want to stay in that hopeless place long.  
Again, I sought my solace at the beach. This time, thank goodness, beaches were open to walk on. I took myself to the Silver Strand as the sun was rising. I walked and screamed into the waves my agony of not being able to see my grandsons the next day. I cried deeply and out loud as the waves crashed, the birds flew overhead, and the sand squished between my toes. I called a friend who knew the same sorrow I felt and listened to her wisdom. As I walked, screamed, cried, and spoke to my friend my resignation released and surrender arrived. That same man I interviewed said, “Surrender too, I would think would have to indicate a power above and beyond you.” I let go of the outcome and my Human Spirit was free again. I became open to what life’s uncertainty brings so I wouldn’t miss the gifts right in front of me, at this moment. An amazing woman, whose couch I sat on many times said, Perfection, Everywhere, Always and I choose to think so.
I found over 50 sand dollars on the beach that day. I find sand dollars fascinating; how can such a delicate piece of nature make it through the crashing waves and then lay beautifully on the shoreline. My booty was so big I didn’t have the hands to hold them all, so I ask for a container to put them in. A couple of minutes later I saw a pile of things in the sand and low and behold a rusty, barnacle-encrusted construction hard hat became my sand dollar receptacle. I am truly a rich woman!
Most of what I shared has been illuminated through PAX programs. Both the online course and being a part of Alison Armstrong’s Mastery Program on Embracing Being Human.  You can access any of her powerful courses at Understandmen.com
I highly recommend you read Lori Gottlieb’s book: Maybe you Should Talk to Someone and Susan Jeffers’s book: Embracing Uncertainty
BTW, I tested negative. Go figure, life is uncertain! I also apologized to my wonderful husband for my Human Normal reaction and thanked him for the courage to get tested, for he opened up space for me to learn. If you want some assistance maneuvering through life’s uncertainty you can always call me if this resonates for you.

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